Contradictions...It's Who We Are!

I’m going to tell you a secret. Are you paying attention? Girls are sensitive and emotional. I know, it’s not really that big of a secret! But apparently, sometimes, reminders are needed. We need to feel like our opinions and feelings are valid. Girls just want to be valued and respected and heard out. Yes, we don’t make sense! I acknowledge that and accept it, but can you accept it? Before you answer that you have to understand that that means that we may contradict ourselves, we may rant and rave about nothing, we might act fine when things are really bugging us, one day we might want to talk about things and the next we don’t. So, can you roll with the punches? Can you sit there and just listen and have compassion without making and imparting judgments? What a girl wants more than anything is to be accepted, whole heartedly, no questions asked. So…can you be a Man and do the job?

Prophetic Counsel-Elder Uchtdorf

Some Prophetic Counsel. This is from Elder Uchtdorf's CES Fireside on November 1st, 2009. There may be some errors in this transcription, but I will update them as I find them. Enjoy!

Now a second question we hear from you young people is, and again I quote "I’m so lonely, will I ever find my soul mate?". You were waiting for this question right? I have a number of things I want to say on this subject, but, let’s start with the concept of finding the one person you were meant to be with, the one person who’s perfect for you. There’s an old story about a young woman on an archeological excavation who discovers an ancient looking lamp. When she rubs it a Genie appears offering her one wish. She thinks for a moment and asks for world peace, that people would love each other and live in harmony forever. The Genie contemplates her request and finally says, “What you are asking for is impossible. The division among the people of the world is too deep and has existed for way too long. Please ask for something else, anything but that.” So the young lady thinks again and says “Somewhere out there is the one person I was meant to be with. I want to find him, someone who is handsome, thoughtful and has a sense of humor, someone who will help around the house, loves kids, doesn’t watch sports all the time, has a great job, thinks first about my happiness, someone who will go shopping with me and someone who can get along with my family.” The Genie considers her request for a moment, sighs deeply and then replies, “Let me see what I can do about World Peace.”


I know this maybe a disappointment for some of you, but I don’t believe that there is only one right person for you. I think I feel in love with my wife Harriet, who is here with me tonight, the first moment I saw her, never the less, had she decided to marry someone else, I believe I would have met and fallen in love with someone else. I’m eternally grateful that this didn’t happen, but I don’t believe that she was my one chance of happiness in this life, nor was I her’s.

Another error you might easily make in dating is expecting to find perfection in the person you are with. The truth is, the only perfect people you might know are those you don’t know very well. Everyone has imperfections. Now I’m not suggesting you lower your standards and marry someone with whom you can’t be happy, but one of the things I’ve realized as I’ve matured in life is that if someone is willing to accept me, imperfect as I am, than I should be willing to be patient with others imperfections as well. Since you won’t find perfection in your partner, and your partner won’t find it in you, you’re only chance at perfection is in creating perfection together. That is the secret.

There are those who do not marry because they feel a lack of magic in relationship. By magic I assume they mean sparks of attraction. Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, and I would never counsel you to marry someone you don’t love. Nevertheless, and here is another thing that is sometimes hard to accept, that that magic sparkle needs continued polishing. When the magic endures in a relationship, it’s because the couple made it happen, not because it mystically appeared due to some cosmic force. Frankly, it takes even work. For any relationship to survive both parties bring their own magic with them, and use that to sustain their love. Although I have said that I do not believe in a one and only soul mate for anyone, I do know this, once you commit to being married your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way. Once you have committed, the search for a soul mate is over. Our thoughts and actions turn from looking to creating.

But what about those that despair of ever finding an eternal companion? First, don’t give up. Go to activities, meet people and do all that you can. I know that dating can be rough, rejection is one of the most painful things we can experience, trust me, I know how this feels. I feel with Harriet long before she fell in love with me, but this didn’t stop me, not at all. I found ways to be at the same place that she was at. When I was administering the Sacrament at the Church I arranged to pass it to her family. I was doing the best I could to impress her, but I think she found me just a little immature. The sparks simply weren’t there for her. I despaired of ever convincing her that I could be anything more than a friend, and who wants that, right? So I went away, joined the Air Force and travelled half a world away to attend Pilot training in the United States. It wasn’t until I returned to Germany having completed my training as a fighter pilot years after I had first met her that this beautiful young woman looked at me and said those magically words I had been longing to hear, she said, “You have matured since the last time I saw you.”. When I heard this I moved quickly, and within a few months I married the woman I had loved for a long long time. So don’t give up Brothers and Sisters. Just because you have been rejected a time or two or three or four or a couple hundred times, don’t despair. Brethren, the secret to finding the girl of your dreams is to get to know many of them, and then when you fall in love and it feels right, ask her to marry you! If she says no, you continue to search and to pray until finally you will arrive with a young woman at the altar of the Temple. So don’t give up.

Now Sisters, be gentle. It’s alright if you turn down requests for dates or proposals for marriage, but please do it gently. And Brethren, please start asking, ok? There are too many of our young women who never go on dates. Don’t suppose that certain girls would never go out with you, sometimes they are wondering why no one asks them out, just ask, and be prepared to move on if the answer is no, but ask. One of the trends that we see in some parts of the world is our young people are only hanging out in large groups rather than dating. While there’s nothing wrong with getting together often with others of your own age, I don’t know if you can really get to know individuals when you’re always in a group. One of the things that you need to learn is how to have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex. A great way to learn this is by being alone with someone, talking without a net so to speak.

Dates don’t have to be and in many cases shouldn’t be expensive and over planned affairs. When my Wife and I moved from Germany to Salt Lake City one of the things that most surprised us was the elaborate and sometimes stressful process young people had developed of asking for and accepting dates. We couldn’t believe it. Relax! Find simple ways to be together. One of my favorite things to do when I was young, and I know this was a long time ago, and when I was looking for a date was to walk a young lady home after church meeting. Now, did you bring a date to this meeting here tonight? No one is laughing, there they are. I hope you did, or walk someone home afterwards. Remember, you goal should not be to have a video of your date get a million views on YouTube. The goal is to get to know one individual person and learn how to develop a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex.

Now there are those among you fine young members of the church, who might never marry although they are worthy in every way, they may never find someone to whom they will be sealed to in the Temple of the Lord in this life. There is no way for those who have not experienced this despair to truly understand the loneliness and pain and you might feel. I know of many women who want more than anything else to be a wife and a mother, and they cannot understand why their prayers have never been answered. There are many single men who, for whatever reason also find themselves alone. First, let me tell you that your prayers are heard. Your Father in Heaven knows the desires of your heart. I cannot tell you why one individual’s prayers are answered one way while someone else’s are answered differently. But this I can tell you, the righteous desires of your hearts will be fulfilled. Sometimes it can be difficult to see anything beyond the path immediately before you. We are impatient and do not want to wait for a future fulfillment of our greatest desires, nevertheless, the brief span of this life is nothing in comparison with eternity and if only we can hope and exercise faith and joyfully endure to the end, and I say joyfully endure to the end. There in that great heavenly future we will have the fulfillment of our righteous desires of our hearts and so very much more than we can scarcely comprehend now. In the meantime, do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective. Instead seek to reach out to your potential as a child of God. Seek learning, become engaged in a meaningful career, and seek fulfillment in service to others. Use your time, your talents, your resources to improve yourself and bless those around you. All of this is part of your preparation for having a family. Immerse yourself in your ward or branch and seek to magnify your callings no matter what they may be. The great purpose of this mortal existence is to learn to fully love our Heavenly Father and our neighbor as ourselves. If we do this with all our might, mind and strength our eternal destiny will be glorious and grand beyond our capacity to imagine. Be faithful and things will work out for you. That is his eternal promise to all who love and honor him.


NOW: Get out there and date! :D

Initial Outings

Chapter 3: First Date

We’ve covered the initial steps to dating and hopefully you’re reading this before you put anything into action. If not, don’t panic, it will all come together. The first date is a very delicate event, but the number one response that I heard from people, male and female, was to not play games, to be straight forward and don’t dance around things. So if you like someone great, don’t hide that. If you’re there just as a friend, make sure that that is expressed before the date in a polite way. You don’t want the other person to get the wrong impression at the beginning!


When you ask someone out most people tend to get nervous on the date and in turn tend to fumble in the conversation, or go blank when they’re trying to come up with a question. Take some time before the date to brain storm appropriate questions for your date. If you’re not sure about a topic or a question, ask one of your friends of the opposite sex for their opinion. Some topics may be okay to discuss with someone that you have gone out with a few times, but there are a lot that are not okay on a first date. One of my roommates went out with a guy shortly after she moved to a new area. She was excited, she thought he was really cute and nice, plus someone asking her out when she was so new to a ward was pleasantly surprising! When she got home after their evening together she couldn’t believe what had just taken place. He acted like he was in a serious relationship with her. He was asking her very personal questions that made her feel uncomfortable. It’s important to take your time when building a relationship with someone. You can’t just blow into someone’s life, have them tell you the things that really define them and then just disappear. It makes people feel like you are rejecting them because of their life and the choices that they have made in their past. So remember, SLOW DOWN!


Let’s discuss some topics that wouldn’t be appropriate. Opening the Ex-Files on a first date is not a good idea. Unless you are divorced, this is not the time to tell me all about your past relationships. I don’t need to know how many serious relationships you have been in or the number of individuals you’ve kissed. I don’t need to hear why your last relationship didn’t work. I don’t want to hear it! If I’m going out with you and there is potential of liking you after the date, telling me why your last relationship ended is not going to give me much hope, plus it doesn’t instill in me a confidence that you aren’t going to be talking about me in a month! When you talk about your ex’s and why things didn’t last it can come across as being the fault of the other person, after all, you’re on a date, you’re trying to make yourself look good. Well, when you do that all it does is scream, “I think that I’m perfect and you’re most likely not going to measure up!”. So why would I even try?


The only reason that I make the exception for divorcees is that this is still a huge part of your daily life. If you intend to take this person out again, they need to know now, and you need to know if they’re going to be okay with that. If they are not okay with that, then you shouldn’t waste your time by taking them on a second date. Just because I’m giving you the go ahead on the first date to open the Ex-File doesn’t mean that you should over divulge. The only part that needs to be out there is that you are divorced. You don’t need to tell the other person about how you met your ex-spouse or how long you dated or how you proposed or were proposed to. Yes, eventually you will have to tell the person that you are dating why the marriage ended, but don’t feel pressured to do it on the first date. If your date is pressuring you to tell them right away, they are likely trying to judge what defect you have, when in fact, you have no defect, you’re just human.


Another no-no topic would be a person’s testimony or lack thereof. One of my friends went on a first date and the guy that she was with turned to her and asked, “So, how and when did you gain your testimony?” Granted, I wasn’t on the date, so I can’t say how accurate that quote is, but you get the idea. It put her in a very awkward position since she hadn’t been active for a number of years and had just recently come back to the gospel. No one wants to feel like they are going to have their spirituality tested and judged on a date. In my experience people that are on the same level spiritually usually drift together. That’s who you’re going to end up with most of the time, someone that is on the same level spiritually as you. So if you’re sitting there thinking, I want a spiritual giant as my eternal companion, well guess what, you better get working!


I asked a few of my girl friends for other off limits topics, they responded with: Recent dates with other people, sex, bodily functions, violence, weight (especially the girl’s weight), and things of a more personal nature. Try to remember on a first date that you are on a FIRST date! If you enjoy your evening then go on a second date, and then a third and so on. You don’t have to decide if this is the person that you want to marry on the first date. The only goal that you should have when leaving your house for your initial date with a person is to have fun and get to know them. Don’t take it too seriously and remember that the other person is nervous too, no matter how confident they come off as being, they are nervous!


Now let’ discuss some good things to bring up on a first date. You’re there trying to get to know the other person without being to personal, so asking questions that are uncommon, but safe, is a good idea. Some of those might be: What made them pick their favorite color, if they could meet any celebrity who would they meet, who is the number 1 (ok, 2 since 1 is usually voicemail) speed dial on their phone. The list could go on and on really. The point of these kinds of questions is to get away from yes and no answers and get to know someone without asking them to bare their soul. You can tell a lot from questions like these. For example, if you ask about their speed dial you might find out who their best friend is and how often they talk to that person. You may also learn if they are close to their family based on their answer. Of course asking uncommon questions is a must, but don’t forget about the ones like: How many kids are in your family, where did you go to school, where did you grow up? These questions build a base for you to put all the other things that you learn about that person on. For example, I come from a large family, 8 kids, so when asked about my speed dial you’ll probably hear about my siblings and my parents and my best friends. You’ll learn that my family is important to me and I like to be in contact with them.


Bottom line: being prepared to talk is a must, but take caution to avoid unsavory subjects.


On to the First Date Activity. We touched on this lightly in the Make It or Break It post, but let’s get a little more detailed here. A first date needs to be light and fun, non serious or threatening. A group date is fantastic, but some of us are a little older and can handle one on one dates for a first date. You may still choose an activity that you would do for a group date, like a scavenger hunt for instance, or going to a park and tossing a frisbee around. Most girls would be happy with something low key and inexpensive. You don’t have to blow their socks off on a first date, save your money and your big plan for someone you’re more serious with. Sometimes when a guy takes a girl on an extravagant first date the girl can get the impression that he’s trying to show off or to prove that he makes enough money (for what, I don’t know). It can quickly become a relationship based on worldly expectations, and really, where do you go from a first date that’s amazing? There’s no room to move up!


Remember to find out what the girl likes prior to planning the date. Maybe she’s the kind of girl that likes to go to sporting events, then find a local team that’s playing that weekend and buy some tickets, but don’t feel pressured to spring for the best seats in the house. She might like doing service, you can volunteer at a shelter in the area serving food, or go on a scavenger hunt for items to make a humanitarian kit together. If the weather is nice doing things outside is always a good idea. Go to a park and fly kits together or do sidewalk chalk drawings! If it’s winter, build a snowman and go sledding, but make sure you have some hot chocolate or apple cider handy. Have you ever been wax paper sliding? Go to the local park, take some wax paper with you and tear off a piece large enough to sit on and go down the slide on it, it’s hilarious! Currently it’s Halloween time, so Haunted Houses here you come!


Tap into your inner child just a little bit and you’ll be amazed at what you can come up with! If you still need a little extra help, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll respond as soon as I can :D

Inspire Me!

I know that most guys sit there and think how crazy girls are, and you know, you’re right, we are crazy! We’re crazy because of you though! We go crazy because we have no idea what’s going on in your head. You’ve been reading this blog and soaking in the knowledge that I have seen fit to share with you and most of you have responded by saying….”what the crap? That’s what that means?!” Well, don’t worry, you’re not alone in the dark, we’re in the dark too! We’re wondering what you’re thinking, what this or that means, how to figure you out! While we’re starting to feel ridiculous for trying to express how interested we are in you, we’re feeling dumber and dumber cause we don’t know if you like us! Basically I’m telling you all of this because as a girl, I, well, WE need you to step up! Are you wondering just how to do that? I’ve tossed out a few ideas for you, but let’s recap and come up with a few more shall we?



Single the girl out – talk to her at events, take the time to seek her out in a crowd.


Make eye contact – making and maintaining eye contact is important! It makes us feel special and like you are really trying to understand us and get to know us.


Initiating contact – being the one to reach out to someone is scary, and even though you always respond, a girl doesn’t want to be the one always reaching out. Initiating contact through text messages, phone calls, emails, even facebook helps a girl to feel valued and sought after AND it shows her that you’re thinking about her, always a bonus :D

Surprises - As much as we say we don't like surprises, we love surprises when they are well thought out. Spontaneous lunch dates, flowers at work, surprise phone calls, a note left of a car...there are endless ways to make us feel sought after.


Physical contact – touching someone doesn’t have to be as intimate as you may think, but we are all human and have been created with an inherit need to have physical contact with other humans. Little things like touching a person’s arm while talking, giving that special person a hug, putting your arm around them, just even sitting close counts! Don’t worry about “making a move” to kiss her, there’s still all that good stuff that happens before, like holding hands and cuddling (which a lot of girls like MORE than kissing…)! Girls notice when you don’t touch them at all for an extended period of time. If you aren’t making the effort to build a physical bond, the girl will start to wonder…


Communication – Putting yourself out there with the fear of being shut down is nerve racking. So much so that it can scare you right out of saying the things on your mind. While I can understand that fear completely, I believe that while we sit back and bite our tongues we let opportunities, and some of life’s best experiences, pass us by. So take a risk and clue her in, we’ll try to do the same.


So while we are all a little crazy, you can help us out by giving us some kind of a heads up if you’re really interested in us so that we don’t have to continue to wonder and analyze, because wondering and analyzing leads to insanity! Keep us sane! :D

Make it or Break it

Chapter 2: The Invitation

This chapter may as well be titled “Make it or Break it Moment”. Asking a person out is one of the most nerve racking things a person will do in their life. To make it worse, if you let on to the individual that you are asking out that you are unsure about yourself or your actions, it’s not likely to go over well.


I had a guy call me up out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea who he was or how he got my number, but I was flattered that he had noticed me and was impressed enough to seek me out. I agreed to meet him at a family home evening activity that next week. He was nice, friendly, attentive, but, a little too attentive. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I became “unavailable”. Too busy to answer the phone or return the call, hurrying out of the room immediately after a meeting, avoiding eye contact and being constantly engaged in conversations with friends. I really did feel awful, but I just didn’t know what to say when he wouldn’t give up. Well it finally came to a head. A meeting that we were both in had just gotten over with and I was heading out the door with one friend on one side and another on the other side, enthralled in our conversation when I heard my name being called out from behind us, and not that quietly either. I turned and he asked if he could talk to me. So I excused myself from my “body guards” and once again let this guy ask me out. I had to think fast. Now I’m one of those girls that has always said I would never lie to someone about dating, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him and I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t come across as rude, so I lied! It ended up okay though; he was married less than six months later!


So the lesson that you could take from this lovely experience: don’t call someone more than twice without getting a return call and if they are “to busy” to do you the courtesy of calling back or even talking to you when you see each other, move on. Don’t waste your time following someone around who may or may not be interested, and remember, trust your instincts!


Whether you know it or not there is etiquette to asking a person out. Here’s an example of what I hear all the time, for the sake of this example, the guy is asking the girl out, as it should be.


James: “Hey Jane, what are you doing tomorrow night?”


Jane: “Well, I’m not really sure.”


James: “You wanna go do something?”


Jane: “Um, well, what did you have in mind?”


James: “I don’t know, I thought that we could just hang out and play halo or something.”


Jane: “Actually, you know what, Susan and I have plans tomorrow night, you know, girl’s night out! But, thanks for the invite.”


How many times have you had a conversation like that? Too many times! When you’re asking a person out first of all, plan ahead. You should be calling your date at least two to three days before the desired date. You should have a plan, an activity already worked out. We’ll discuss date activities in chapter 3. Secondly, you should disclose the activity when inviting the person on a date. Guys, here’s a hint: when a girl says that she doesn’t know what she’s doing that night, that generally means that she does have some plans, but she’ll break them if you’re offering something better because ultimately, spending time with a guy that is interested is better than another girl’s night out. Please don’t put us in the situation where we have to play dumb trying to draw out the plan for the date. When you’re upfront and let the other person know what the plan is they can make an appropriate decision whether to accept your invitation or not. Third, pay attention. Did you notice how Jane didn’t open herself up for another date? By not implying that she’d like the opportunity to present itself again, she’s showing that she’s not really interested. If she had ended it with, “let’s go out another time” or “another night would really work better for me” or anything along those lines, she’s putting herself out there for a rain check.


Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the 12 Apostles said, “…Young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, Jun 2006, 10–16) In our culture it is easy to jump from first date to being exclusive to being engaged. When you do that you miss all the good stuff in the middle! Plus, if that is how you are thinking you tend to scare people off. Dating is not an overnight thing, this is not a sprint! You need to be patient and give a relationship time to grow and strengthen before becoming serious. I’m not denying that the Spirit can manifest to you that the person that you are dating is the person you are meant to marry. When you get that confirmation though it doesn’t mean you have to marry them next week! Please get it out of your mind that just because someone, guy or girl, asks you out means that they want to be in a serious relationship with you tomorrow. I have made my relationships with guys so much stronger by just going on a date with them. There wasn’t anything serious about it. I wasn’t going on the date thinking, “Is this it? Is he the one?”, I went on the date to enjoy their company and to get to know them better. We date for a reason. That reason being that dating is a tool for you to get to know other people and to get to know yourself! You’re never going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, let alone eternity if you don’t know yourself. So let’s make it easier on everyone, guys and girls, and stop jumping the gun. Slow down, and let people know that you are looking for dating opportunities, not solely marriage opportunities.


Okay, let’s break it down now. Dos and Dont’s of asking someone out:


Do:


ASK! Don’t play the pansy card and sit on your hands waiting for them to make the first move. After you have expressed interest take the next step and ask the person out. The worst that could happen is that they say no. If they are rude about it, don’t stress it, obviously they are not the type of person that you would want to spend an entire evening with anyways! Guys, if you find yourself in the situation of dating someone regularly including participating in casual activities together on a frequent basis, don’t take it for granted, continue to call and ask her out! She might call or text you to encourage time together, but don’t start to slack off. She still needs to know that you value the opportunities you have to spend time with her and she needs and wants to feel valued and appreciated.


Plan ahead. While being spontaneous can be great, it’s not that good on a date, especially with someone you don’t know very well. Plan an activity close to where you’re planning on eating, but remember, you don’t have to eat on the date! One of my friends told me that one of the best dates she went on had absolutely NOTHING to do with food! No dinner, no lunch, no dessert. It wasn’t a high stress date, it was relaxed, but it was well thought out in advance. If you are planning on eating check to see how long the wait time usually is and if you can get your name on the list ahead of time. A lot of restaurants will let you call on your way there and put your name down. See what activities there are in the area that you and your date would enjoy. You don’t want to spend the majority of your evening in the car.


Disclose your activity. Once you have planned your activity out and you are actually asking the person to join you, tell them what’s going on. I went on a double date where the other guy didn’t tell his date what we were doing and it didn’t turn out very well! The boys wanted to go ice skating, simple enough, but guess what, the shoes she was wearing didn’t require socks, in fact it looks just plain odd with socks! So there she was, trying to be okay with going ice skating with no socks! Well, we didn’t end up doing that, instead the guys had to come up with something else to do on the spot. As much as you think a person is open to being surprised, we all still need to know a few key things. What time? (So that we can attempt at being ready on time.) Is it an indoor or outdoor activity? (Determines what kind of clothes we’ll wear.) Is it a physical activity or not? (Determines what shoes we’ll wear.) Are we going to eat? (Determines if we’re going to eat before, or if we’ll starve on the date.) You don’t want to take someone out who isn’t prepared for the evening, help us to be prepared! Also, by disclosing the activity a person may decide that they do or don’t want to go out. If you ask someone out to go shooting and they’re scared of guns, they’ll want to know so that they can politely decline the invitation.


Pay attention. When you’re asking the person out, pay attention to what they say in response. If they become nervous trying to come up with an excuse, it’s likely that they either (1) not interested in you that way or (2) they’re not comfortable with the activity. If it’s the second they should make sure to express their interest in going out another time. Listen to their response and watch their facial expression and body language. People can lie in words much easier then they can with their bodies and their eyes. If they do open themselves up for another time, use that to your advantage! Take some time to get to know them before you ask them out again. Try to learn about their schedule and their likes and dislikes. You might even be able to come up with a date that they would enjoy more by listening to them then you would on your own.


Don’t:


Call more than twice without a response. You don’t want to come off as being desperate. I know that this is easier said than done, trust me, I know! You should only have to make contact so many times before they respond to you or initiate the contact. Let’s face it, who doesn’t have 5 minutes to call someone back that they are interested in? Or even to send them a text message? We have so many different avenues to communicate with those around us, we don’t have an excuse for not getting back to people.


Surprise them on the first date. First dates are hard enough without the element of surprise. While you may think that surprising them with the plan of going on a hike sounds like a good way to talk and get to know someone, they might be allergic to some pollen or another and end up suffering from an allergy attack the entire time. Give them all of the facts so that everyone can feel comfortable and relaxed.


Cyber stalk. Sometimes you can learn too much information by using the world wide web that you can’t remember where you learned what. You don’t want to spoil the beginnings of a relationship by already knowing the person’s favorite childhood pet! Yes, you are just curious and trying to get to know a person, but it’s always better to hear it first hand, and it’s a lot less creepyish.


Mince your words. Be sure of what you’re doing when you ask someone out. Don’t meander through the conversation. I always respect a person more when they come across as being sure of what they want. Start the conversation on point and end it on point. “I’d like to take you out this weekend to a movie, I was thinking of The Proposal, what do you think?”… “Great, I’ll call you on Thursday with more information.”

Express Yourself!

I started writing this a few years ago and I thought I'd share it piece by piece, enjoy boys :D

Have you ever been out on a date and wondered, “What in the world is he/she thinking?” I think that we all have questions about dating and many of us were never taught how to date. In the words of Elder Oaks, “Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport.” (“Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, June 2006, 10-16.) [Emphasis added] I love that article from Elder Oaks, unfortunately, there are a lot of people who apparently didn’t read it, or at least forgot all about it a month later.



Dating in the Mormon Culture is one of those taboo subjects, especially if you’re a member of a Single’s Ward. I’ve been in numerous Single’s Wards and I could probably count how many times I’ve had a lesson or a talk on dating or marriage on one hand. Now, that doesn’t include the number of times we joke about it in Relief Society, but that’s just it, it’s always a joke. When someone says that they went on a date it’s like a whole new revelation to us that people do date! It makes me wonder if we know how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Of course there’s the “guy’s language vs. girl’s language” barrier, but come on, it’s not that hard to figure out the translation if you put a little bit of work into understanding each other.


I was out on a first date with a guy that I had been set up with. We had a good time, it wasn’t to formal or over the top which was good for a first date. We were doubling with another couple who were on a first date also. I can’t tell you how many times the guy asked his date the same question over and over again. She was a pretty good sport about it and would just answer him again, but by about the third or fourth time, you could tell it was wearing on her. It would have made a world of difference if he would have taken the time to just listen to what she was saying in response to his question instead of sitting there thinking about his next question or his response to what she was saying. The best part of it was that what he was saying back to her didn’t make much sense because it had nothing to do with what she had told him.


We all make dating faux pauxs, but I’m hoping that this might help you make less of them. I’ve been asking everyone I know for help with this. I sent out countless e-mails to people with a list of questions about dating, hoping for helpful responses. What I got back was great, so to all those that gave some input, thank you for making this possible! The vast difference between the male and female sexes is very apparent, but at the same time, we all just want the same end result: a successful, fun date!


Chapter 1: Interest


I’m not talking about the interest that you earn in your 401K, but the interest that someone’s trying to express to you or that you’re trying to express to someone else! This is one of those areas that I believe things get lost in translation. So let’s get out the language guide and break some of these things down.


Picture this: You’re sitting in Sacrament meeting and notice that the guy/girl across the aisle keeps glancing over. You look back and make eye contact. They smile at you and sheepishly look away. Guess what…they’re expressing INTEREST! I know, shocker, someone actually looking at someone they like! Now, please keep in mind, I use the word like very loosely. In this context it means “I think you’re cute and would like to get to know you”. Crush is also used in the same manner by my definition. So back to the cutie that keeps eying you. How do you express interest back? Well, making eye contact is always a good first step. Granted yes, eying people during sacrament meeting, not always the best choice, but there is Sunday School and then there’s ward activities and family home evening and institute, even when you’re just standing in the hallway waiting for the other class to get out or for your class to start will work.


Another way that someone might express interest in the Mormon culture is by inviting you to attend activities/functions with them. This is one of those actions that can be confusing though. Just because they are inviting you doesn’t necessarily mean that they are interested in you, you have to look for other signs too! If I liked a guy and I wanted to have an opportunity to get to know him better I might invite him to game night, granted I would also pair that with the eying technique, offering to call him to let him know where and when, offering to meet before hand so that he doesn’t have to “try to find the place”, and even trying to make sure that I can sit next to him at game night and devoting most of my attention to him. Now, not all of these will or should be used, but they are a few things that you can keep your eyes open for.


Let’s say that you’re waiting in the hall for something. A young man or woman is walking down the hall and they stop to talk to you. They don’t seem to know what to talk about really, but they are asking you questions trying to get a conversation going. Again…expressing interest. A guy or a girl isn’t going to be walking around the halls just waiting for someone to talk to, plus, there are plenty of other people in the near vicinity that they probably know and could talk to much easier. Be receptive to this. Welcome the opportunity to get to know someone, even just a little bit, without the pressure of being on a date. If there is still interest after you’ve talked a little bit, trust me, there will be more talking!


People all express interest differently. The best piece of advice that I can give to a person is to be open to all avenues and trust your instincts. If you think that someone is “crushing” on you, they probably are, but remember, don’t jump to any final conclusions! In the situation of expressing interest yourself just do what feels right and what you’re comfortable with, put remember, you’ll never grow if you don’t experience a little discomfort now that then!


Okay, let’s talk about some Dos and Don’ts in the “interest” phase.


DO:


Be receptive. No one wants to talk to, let alone take on a date, someone who just stands there and looks at their shoes or their watch. Really listen to what they’re saying, don’t be calculating in your mind what witty comment you’re going to say next. If you not good enough to come up with something witty to say quickly, then being witty is not your forte. Stick to your strengths and trust your instincts. Engage yourself in the conversation, ask questions that you really want to know the answer to, and make sure that they are not just yes or no questions. You’ll learn more about someone faster than you ever have if you ask them questions that force an opinion. You’ll find their true character that way.


Be yourself. No one wants to start dating someone only to find out after two or three dates that they are a completely different person than they were when you were first getting to know each other. If you’re not sure who you are, figure that out before you start dating people. Decide where you stand on the important issues before you start putting yourself out there for everyone to see. If you’re being yourself, the other person is likely to follow suit.


Introduce yourself. I’m always more impressed with someone when they are willing to put themselves out there and introduce themselves to someone versus standing back and waiting for someone else to do the introductions. There is a huge plus to this too. If you introduce yourself to the person that you are interested in, it is more likely that they’ll be paying more attention to you then to the person doing all the talking! If you are introduce by someone else, take the reins after that, ask questions, be interested.


Keeping the Dos in mind, here are a few don’ts that pertain to the “Interest” period in a relationship.


Don’t:


Jump to conclusions. Nothing is worse than premature judgments. They are the hardest things to shake. Yes, the first impression is important, but it’s not everything! Remember, just like you, other people have bad days too, cut them a little slack. We can be some of the most judgmental people sometimes despite everything that we have been taught. It’s important to remember that we don’t know the whole story and until you know the entire situation, every minuscule detail, you have absolutely no business making that decision.


Get attached prematurely. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve set myself up for disaster by letting my imagination run way. In my dreams, I’ve been married more times than Pamela Alberston, but I’ve also suffered heart fractures when those dreams have gone up in smoke. Just because someone may give every inclination of being interested in you, doesn’t mean that it will ever move past the chatting in the hall or catching each other’s eye in Institute.


Attend functions with the single hope of seeing that special someone. Single’s wards have been set up to give single adults that chance to meet and interact with each other, but the programs that are there are not there JUST to be a meeting ground. Family Home Evening, Institute, Ward Activities, Service Project, Home and Visiting Teaching, Enrichment meetings, and most importantly Sunday services are meetings and programs that have been put into place for us in this day. They are not there as a dating service. They are meetings and programs that we need to be at, if for nothing else then to feel of the Lord’s love for each and every one of us. Yes, if that special someone is in your ward it is more than likely that he/she will be there, but if they aren’t, that shouldn’t change your decision to be there. Besides….you never know when someone new is going to walk through those doors!

Those are some beautiful baby blues! - Eye Contact

Ok guys, let’s talk eye contact since I did already bring it up. In our world of singledom girls have to communicate with you single guys differently than we would with say, our brothers, our close friends, our boss and coworkers and on and on along those lines. So while I can hold whole conversations maintaining eye contact the entire time with my boss I struggle to do that with guys that are “on the market” because he may infer that I’m interested in him. SO, here’s what we do. Girls will avoid making too much eye contact with guys that we’re not that interested in in order to avoid that confusion. Granted we probably just make it more confusing cause then guys think that we’re either stuck up or painfully shy.



We’ll try to make eye contact with that lucky guy that we’re interested in if we can without feeling like an idiot. (As I write this, I realize just how stupid this really is, it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t work, and it often times just leads to confusion AND we’re usually lacking in the self confidence to stick to it to see if he smiles back….ridiculous!) This situation is most likely to happen at church, at activities or social gatherings, times when we’re not talking directly to the guy, but in the same area as him, and it’s usually accompanied by a smile :D


Another example of when she’ll express her interest through eye contact is when you’re actually making conversation! (Go figure huh?!) I can’t really describe how to watch for this or what to even watch for, but I guess you can ask yourself if you make more eye contact with someone you like while talking to them or less? Thinking about it I guess that when I talk to a guy that I like about things regarding relationships and topics that would be more personal I avoid eye contact, I glance away or down more than if we’re talking about cars or our jobs. I think that this is normal in the beginning stages of any relationship, once you get comfortable with that person and build a level of trust it’s easier to maintain eye contact. Girls….thoughts????


So if you’re lucky enough to catch a girl’s eye and she actually manages to have the confidence to smile at you, you’re golden, or I guess she’s golden :D

Hands Up Buttercup!

So let's say that you've gotten up the guts to ask that cute girl (asking out lessons to come) that you've been eyeing (eye contacting lessons coming!) to a movie or other such date. You're sitting there at the movie and you notice out of the corner of your eye that she has her hand closest to you on her knee or maybe on the arm rest that you two are sharing. This is the signal for HOLD MY HAND! When a girl makes her hand available for you to hold, that's on purpose, not by chance.

If she's the type of girl to carry a purse and you're walking from point A to point B or maybe even point C and she's carrying her purse in the hand farthest from you, guess what??? She's making her hand available for you to hold. Although this isn't the most common time to hold hands for the first time, it's still a cute classic.

Now if a girl has her arms folded and her hands tucked in, or under her legs, or clasped, that's the signal to not even try to hold her hand. If you're going with the walking scenario she'll either hold her purse in her hand closest to you or (if she doesn't carry a purse) she might tuck her hand into her pockets.

Questions?

Happy Hand Holding!

Hello World!

This blog is inspired by a group of my friends (males) who claim obliviousness when it comes to the world of females. Last night we had a Dutch Oven Dessert night up the canyon and we started to break things down for them bit by bit. I intend to continue to break down the girl code for you boys here. So please post any questions that you might have regarding the coed culture, and may this blog bring you one step closer to finding that special someone.

Disclosure: We are all made in the likeness of one being, however, we are not all the same in our personalities and traits. That being said, I can't tell you exactly how EVERY girl is going to act in EVERY situation. I'll do my best to speak for the majority of women and I'll get input from my other Sistas :D