Initial Outings

Chapter 3: First Date

We’ve covered the initial steps to dating and hopefully you’re reading this before you put anything into action. If not, don’t panic, it will all come together. The first date is a very delicate event, but the number one response that I heard from people, male and female, was to not play games, to be straight forward and don’t dance around things. So if you like someone great, don’t hide that. If you’re there just as a friend, make sure that that is expressed before the date in a polite way. You don’t want the other person to get the wrong impression at the beginning!


When you ask someone out most people tend to get nervous on the date and in turn tend to fumble in the conversation, or go blank when they’re trying to come up with a question. Take some time before the date to brain storm appropriate questions for your date. If you’re not sure about a topic or a question, ask one of your friends of the opposite sex for their opinion. Some topics may be okay to discuss with someone that you have gone out with a few times, but there are a lot that are not okay on a first date. One of my roommates went out with a guy shortly after she moved to a new area. She was excited, she thought he was really cute and nice, plus someone asking her out when she was so new to a ward was pleasantly surprising! When she got home after their evening together she couldn’t believe what had just taken place. He acted like he was in a serious relationship with her. He was asking her very personal questions that made her feel uncomfortable. It’s important to take your time when building a relationship with someone. You can’t just blow into someone’s life, have them tell you the things that really define them and then just disappear. It makes people feel like you are rejecting them because of their life and the choices that they have made in their past. So remember, SLOW DOWN!


Let’s discuss some topics that wouldn’t be appropriate. Opening the Ex-Files on a first date is not a good idea. Unless you are divorced, this is not the time to tell me all about your past relationships. I don’t need to know how many serious relationships you have been in or the number of individuals you’ve kissed. I don’t need to hear why your last relationship didn’t work. I don’t want to hear it! If I’m going out with you and there is potential of liking you after the date, telling me why your last relationship ended is not going to give me much hope, plus it doesn’t instill in me a confidence that you aren’t going to be talking about me in a month! When you talk about your ex’s and why things didn’t last it can come across as being the fault of the other person, after all, you’re on a date, you’re trying to make yourself look good. Well, when you do that all it does is scream, “I think that I’m perfect and you’re most likely not going to measure up!”. So why would I even try?


The only reason that I make the exception for divorcees is that this is still a huge part of your daily life. If you intend to take this person out again, they need to know now, and you need to know if they’re going to be okay with that. If they are not okay with that, then you shouldn’t waste your time by taking them on a second date. Just because I’m giving you the go ahead on the first date to open the Ex-File doesn’t mean that you should over divulge. The only part that needs to be out there is that you are divorced. You don’t need to tell the other person about how you met your ex-spouse or how long you dated or how you proposed or were proposed to. Yes, eventually you will have to tell the person that you are dating why the marriage ended, but don’t feel pressured to do it on the first date. If your date is pressuring you to tell them right away, they are likely trying to judge what defect you have, when in fact, you have no defect, you’re just human.


Another no-no topic would be a person’s testimony or lack thereof. One of my friends went on a first date and the guy that she was with turned to her and asked, “So, how and when did you gain your testimony?” Granted, I wasn’t on the date, so I can’t say how accurate that quote is, but you get the idea. It put her in a very awkward position since she hadn’t been active for a number of years and had just recently come back to the gospel. No one wants to feel like they are going to have their spirituality tested and judged on a date. In my experience people that are on the same level spiritually usually drift together. That’s who you’re going to end up with most of the time, someone that is on the same level spiritually as you. So if you’re sitting there thinking, I want a spiritual giant as my eternal companion, well guess what, you better get working!


I asked a few of my girl friends for other off limits topics, they responded with: Recent dates with other people, sex, bodily functions, violence, weight (especially the girl’s weight), and things of a more personal nature. Try to remember on a first date that you are on a FIRST date! If you enjoy your evening then go on a second date, and then a third and so on. You don’t have to decide if this is the person that you want to marry on the first date. The only goal that you should have when leaving your house for your initial date with a person is to have fun and get to know them. Don’t take it too seriously and remember that the other person is nervous too, no matter how confident they come off as being, they are nervous!


Now let’ discuss some good things to bring up on a first date. You’re there trying to get to know the other person without being to personal, so asking questions that are uncommon, but safe, is a good idea. Some of those might be: What made them pick their favorite color, if they could meet any celebrity who would they meet, who is the number 1 (ok, 2 since 1 is usually voicemail) speed dial on their phone. The list could go on and on really. The point of these kinds of questions is to get away from yes and no answers and get to know someone without asking them to bare their soul. You can tell a lot from questions like these. For example, if you ask about their speed dial you might find out who their best friend is and how often they talk to that person. You may also learn if they are close to their family based on their answer. Of course asking uncommon questions is a must, but don’t forget about the ones like: How many kids are in your family, where did you go to school, where did you grow up? These questions build a base for you to put all the other things that you learn about that person on. For example, I come from a large family, 8 kids, so when asked about my speed dial you’ll probably hear about my siblings and my parents and my best friends. You’ll learn that my family is important to me and I like to be in contact with them.


Bottom line: being prepared to talk is a must, but take caution to avoid unsavory subjects.


On to the First Date Activity. We touched on this lightly in the Make It or Break It post, but let’s get a little more detailed here. A first date needs to be light and fun, non serious or threatening. A group date is fantastic, but some of us are a little older and can handle one on one dates for a first date. You may still choose an activity that you would do for a group date, like a scavenger hunt for instance, or going to a park and tossing a frisbee around. Most girls would be happy with something low key and inexpensive. You don’t have to blow their socks off on a first date, save your money and your big plan for someone you’re more serious with. Sometimes when a guy takes a girl on an extravagant first date the girl can get the impression that he’s trying to show off or to prove that he makes enough money (for what, I don’t know). It can quickly become a relationship based on worldly expectations, and really, where do you go from a first date that’s amazing? There’s no room to move up!


Remember to find out what the girl likes prior to planning the date. Maybe she’s the kind of girl that likes to go to sporting events, then find a local team that’s playing that weekend and buy some tickets, but don’t feel pressured to spring for the best seats in the house. She might like doing service, you can volunteer at a shelter in the area serving food, or go on a scavenger hunt for items to make a humanitarian kit together. If the weather is nice doing things outside is always a good idea. Go to a park and fly kits together or do sidewalk chalk drawings! If it’s winter, build a snowman and go sledding, but make sure you have some hot chocolate or apple cider handy. Have you ever been wax paper sliding? Go to the local park, take some wax paper with you and tear off a piece large enough to sit on and go down the slide on it, it’s hilarious! Currently it’s Halloween time, so Haunted Houses here you come!


Tap into your inner child just a little bit and you’ll be amazed at what you can come up with! If you still need a little extra help, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll respond as soon as I can :D