Express Yourself!

I started writing this a few years ago and I thought I'd share it piece by piece, enjoy boys :D

Have you ever been out on a date and wondered, “What in the world is he/she thinking?” I think that we all have questions about dating and many of us were never taught how to date. In the words of Elder Oaks, “Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport.” (“Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, June 2006, 10-16.) [Emphasis added] I love that article from Elder Oaks, unfortunately, there are a lot of people who apparently didn’t read it, or at least forgot all about it a month later.



Dating in the Mormon Culture is one of those taboo subjects, especially if you’re a member of a Single’s Ward. I’ve been in numerous Single’s Wards and I could probably count how many times I’ve had a lesson or a talk on dating or marriage on one hand. Now, that doesn’t include the number of times we joke about it in Relief Society, but that’s just it, it’s always a joke. When someone says that they went on a date it’s like a whole new revelation to us that people do date! It makes me wonder if we know how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Of course there’s the “guy’s language vs. girl’s language” barrier, but come on, it’s not that hard to figure out the translation if you put a little bit of work into understanding each other.


I was out on a first date with a guy that I had been set up with. We had a good time, it wasn’t to formal or over the top which was good for a first date. We were doubling with another couple who were on a first date also. I can’t tell you how many times the guy asked his date the same question over and over again. She was a pretty good sport about it and would just answer him again, but by about the third or fourth time, you could tell it was wearing on her. It would have made a world of difference if he would have taken the time to just listen to what she was saying in response to his question instead of sitting there thinking about his next question or his response to what she was saying. The best part of it was that what he was saying back to her didn’t make much sense because it had nothing to do with what she had told him.


We all make dating faux pauxs, but I’m hoping that this might help you make less of them. I’ve been asking everyone I know for help with this. I sent out countless e-mails to people with a list of questions about dating, hoping for helpful responses. What I got back was great, so to all those that gave some input, thank you for making this possible! The vast difference between the male and female sexes is very apparent, but at the same time, we all just want the same end result: a successful, fun date!


Chapter 1: Interest


I’m not talking about the interest that you earn in your 401K, but the interest that someone’s trying to express to you or that you’re trying to express to someone else! This is one of those areas that I believe things get lost in translation. So let’s get out the language guide and break some of these things down.


Picture this: You’re sitting in Sacrament meeting and notice that the guy/girl across the aisle keeps glancing over. You look back and make eye contact. They smile at you and sheepishly look away. Guess what…they’re expressing INTEREST! I know, shocker, someone actually looking at someone they like! Now, please keep in mind, I use the word like very loosely. In this context it means “I think you’re cute and would like to get to know you”. Crush is also used in the same manner by my definition. So back to the cutie that keeps eying you. How do you express interest back? Well, making eye contact is always a good first step. Granted yes, eying people during sacrament meeting, not always the best choice, but there is Sunday School and then there’s ward activities and family home evening and institute, even when you’re just standing in the hallway waiting for the other class to get out or for your class to start will work.


Another way that someone might express interest in the Mormon culture is by inviting you to attend activities/functions with them. This is one of those actions that can be confusing though. Just because they are inviting you doesn’t necessarily mean that they are interested in you, you have to look for other signs too! If I liked a guy and I wanted to have an opportunity to get to know him better I might invite him to game night, granted I would also pair that with the eying technique, offering to call him to let him know where and when, offering to meet before hand so that he doesn’t have to “try to find the place”, and even trying to make sure that I can sit next to him at game night and devoting most of my attention to him. Now, not all of these will or should be used, but they are a few things that you can keep your eyes open for.


Let’s say that you’re waiting in the hall for something. A young man or woman is walking down the hall and they stop to talk to you. They don’t seem to know what to talk about really, but they are asking you questions trying to get a conversation going. Again…expressing interest. A guy or a girl isn’t going to be walking around the halls just waiting for someone to talk to, plus, there are plenty of other people in the near vicinity that they probably know and could talk to much easier. Be receptive to this. Welcome the opportunity to get to know someone, even just a little bit, without the pressure of being on a date. If there is still interest after you’ve talked a little bit, trust me, there will be more talking!


People all express interest differently. The best piece of advice that I can give to a person is to be open to all avenues and trust your instincts. If you think that someone is “crushing” on you, they probably are, but remember, don’t jump to any final conclusions! In the situation of expressing interest yourself just do what feels right and what you’re comfortable with, put remember, you’ll never grow if you don’t experience a little discomfort now that then!


Okay, let’s talk about some Dos and Don’ts in the “interest” phase.


DO:


Be receptive. No one wants to talk to, let alone take on a date, someone who just stands there and looks at their shoes or their watch. Really listen to what they’re saying, don’t be calculating in your mind what witty comment you’re going to say next. If you not good enough to come up with something witty to say quickly, then being witty is not your forte. Stick to your strengths and trust your instincts. Engage yourself in the conversation, ask questions that you really want to know the answer to, and make sure that they are not just yes or no questions. You’ll learn more about someone faster than you ever have if you ask them questions that force an opinion. You’ll find their true character that way.


Be yourself. No one wants to start dating someone only to find out after two or three dates that they are a completely different person than they were when you were first getting to know each other. If you’re not sure who you are, figure that out before you start dating people. Decide where you stand on the important issues before you start putting yourself out there for everyone to see. If you’re being yourself, the other person is likely to follow suit.


Introduce yourself. I’m always more impressed with someone when they are willing to put themselves out there and introduce themselves to someone versus standing back and waiting for someone else to do the introductions. There is a huge plus to this too. If you introduce yourself to the person that you are interested in, it is more likely that they’ll be paying more attention to you then to the person doing all the talking! If you are introduce by someone else, take the reins after that, ask questions, be interested.


Keeping the Dos in mind, here are a few don’ts that pertain to the “Interest” period in a relationship.


Don’t:


Jump to conclusions. Nothing is worse than premature judgments. They are the hardest things to shake. Yes, the first impression is important, but it’s not everything! Remember, just like you, other people have bad days too, cut them a little slack. We can be some of the most judgmental people sometimes despite everything that we have been taught. It’s important to remember that we don’t know the whole story and until you know the entire situation, every minuscule detail, you have absolutely no business making that decision.


Get attached prematurely. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve set myself up for disaster by letting my imagination run way. In my dreams, I’ve been married more times than Pamela Alberston, but I’ve also suffered heart fractures when those dreams have gone up in smoke. Just because someone may give every inclination of being interested in you, doesn’t mean that it will ever move past the chatting in the hall or catching each other’s eye in Institute.


Attend functions with the single hope of seeing that special someone. Single’s wards have been set up to give single adults that chance to meet and interact with each other, but the programs that are there are not there JUST to be a meeting ground. Family Home Evening, Institute, Ward Activities, Service Project, Home and Visiting Teaching, Enrichment meetings, and most importantly Sunday services are meetings and programs that have been put into place for us in this day. They are not there as a dating service. They are meetings and programs that we need to be at, if for nothing else then to feel of the Lord’s love for each and every one of us. Yes, if that special someone is in your ward it is more than likely that he/she will be there, but if they aren’t, that shouldn’t change your decision to be there. Besides….you never know when someone new is going to walk through those doors!

Those are some beautiful baby blues! - Eye Contact

Ok guys, let’s talk eye contact since I did already bring it up. In our world of singledom girls have to communicate with you single guys differently than we would with say, our brothers, our close friends, our boss and coworkers and on and on along those lines. So while I can hold whole conversations maintaining eye contact the entire time with my boss I struggle to do that with guys that are “on the market” because he may infer that I’m interested in him. SO, here’s what we do. Girls will avoid making too much eye contact with guys that we’re not that interested in in order to avoid that confusion. Granted we probably just make it more confusing cause then guys think that we’re either stuck up or painfully shy.



We’ll try to make eye contact with that lucky guy that we’re interested in if we can without feeling like an idiot. (As I write this, I realize just how stupid this really is, it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t work, and it often times just leads to confusion AND we’re usually lacking in the self confidence to stick to it to see if he smiles back….ridiculous!) This situation is most likely to happen at church, at activities or social gatherings, times when we’re not talking directly to the guy, but in the same area as him, and it’s usually accompanied by a smile :D


Another example of when she’ll express her interest through eye contact is when you’re actually making conversation! (Go figure huh?!) I can’t really describe how to watch for this or what to even watch for, but I guess you can ask yourself if you make more eye contact with someone you like while talking to them or less? Thinking about it I guess that when I talk to a guy that I like about things regarding relationships and topics that would be more personal I avoid eye contact, I glance away or down more than if we’re talking about cars or our jobs. I think that this is normal in the beginning stages of any relationship, once you get comfortable with that person and build a level of trust it’s easier to maintain eye contact. Girls….thoughts????


So if you’re lucky enough to catch a girl’s eye and she actually manages to have the confidence to smile at you, you’re golden, or I guess she’s golden :D

Hands Up Buttercup!

So let's say that you've gotten up the guts to ask that cute girl (asking out lessons to come) that you've been eyeing (eye contacting lessons coming!) to a movie or other such date. You're sitting there at the movie and you notice out of the corner of your eye that she has her hand closest to you on her knee or maybe on the arm rest that you two are sharing. This is the signal for HOLD MY HAND! When a girl makes her hand available for you to hold, that's on purpose, not by chance.

If she's the type of girl to carry a purse and you're walking from point A to point B or maybe even point C and she's carrying her purse in the hand farthest from you, guess what??? She's making her hand available for you to hold. Although this isn't the most common time to hold hands for the first time, it's still a cute classic.

Now if a girl has her arms folded and her hands tucked in, or under her legs, or clasped, that's the signal to not even try to hold her hand. If you're going with the walking scenario she'll either hold her purse in her hand closest to you or (if she doesn't carry a purse) she might tuck her hand into her pockets.

Questions?

Happy Hand Holding!

Hello World!

This blog is inspired by a group of my friends (males) who claim obliviousness when it comes to the world of females. Last night we had a Dutch Oven Dessert night up the canyon and we started to break things down for them bit by bit. I intend to continue to break down the girl code for you boys here. So please post any questions that you might have regarding the coed culture, and may this blog bring you one step closer to finding that special someone.

Disclosure: We are all made in the likeness of one being, however, we are not all the same in our personalities and traits. That being said, I can't tell you exactly how EVERY girl is going to act in EVERY situation. I'll do my best to speak for the majority of women and I'll get input from my other Sistas :D