Make it or Break it

Chapter 2: The Invitation

This chapter may as well be titled “Make it or Break it Moment”. Asking a person out is one of the most nerve racking things a person will do in their life. To make it worse, if you let on to the individual that you are asking out that you are unsure about yourself or your actions, it’s not likely to go over well.


I had a guy call me up out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea who he was or how he got my number, but I was flattered that he had noticed me and was impressed enough to seek me out. I agreed to meet him at a family home evening activity that next week. He was nice, friendly, attentive, but, a little too attentive. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I became “unavailable”. Too busy to answer the phone or return the call, hurrying out of the room immediately after a meeting, avoiding eye contact and being constantly engaged in conversations with friends. I really did feel awful, but I just didn’t know what to say when he wouldn’t give up. Well it finally came to a head. A meeting that we were both in had just gotten over with and I was heading out the door with one friend on one side and another on the other side, enthralled in our conversation when I heard my name being called out from behind us, and not that quietly either. I turned and he asked if he could talk to me. So I excused myself from my “body guards” and once again let this guy ask me out. I had to think fast. Now I’m one of those girls that has always said I would never lie to someone about dating, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him and I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t come across as rude, so I lied! It ended up okay though; he was married less than six months later!


So the lesson that you could take from this lovely experience: don’t call someone more than twice without getting a return call and if they are “to busy” to do you the courtesy of calling back or even talking to you when you see each other, move on. Don’t waste your time following someone around who may or may not be interested, and remember, trust your instincts!


Whether you know it or not there is etiquette to asking a person out. Here’s an example of what I hear all the time, for the sake of this example, the guy is asking the girl out, as it should be.


James: “Hey Jane, what are you doing tomorrow night?”


Jane: “Well, I’m not really sure.”


James: “You wanna go do something?”


Jane: “Um, well, what did you have in mind?”


James: “I don’t know, I thought that we could just hang out and play halo or something.”


Jane: “Actually, you know what, Susan and I have plans tomorrow night, you know, girl’s night out! But, thanks for the invite.”


How many times have you had a conversation like that? Too many times! When you’re asking a person out first of all, plan ahead. You should be calling your date at least two to three days before the desired date. You should have a plan, an activity already worked out. We’ll discuss date activities in chapter 3. Secondly, you should disclose the activity when inviting the person on a date. Guys, here’s a hint: when a girl says that she doesn’t know what she’s doing that night, that generally means that she does have some plans, but she’ll break them if you’re offering something better because ultimately, spending time with a guy that is interested is better than another girl’s night out. Please don’t put us in the situation where we have to play dumb trying to draw out the plan for the date. When you’re upfront and let the other person know what the plan is they can make an appropriate decision whether to accept your invitation or not. Third, pay attention. Did you notice how Jane didn’t open herself up for another date? By not implying that she’d like the opportunity to present itself again, she’s showing that she’s not really interested. If she had ended it with, “let’s go out another time” or “another night would really work better for me” or anything along those lines, she’s putting herself out there for a rain check.


Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the 12 Apostles said, “…Young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, Jun 2006, 10–16) In our culture it is easy to jump from first date to being exclusive to being engaged. When you do that you miss all the good stuff in the middle! Plus, if that is how you are thinking you tend to scare people off. Dating is not an overnight thing, this is not a sprint! You need to be patient and give a relationship time to grow and strengthen before becoming serious. I’m not denying that the Spirit can manifest to you that the person that you are dating is the person you are meant to marry. When you get that confirmation though it doesn’t mean you have to marry them next week! Please get it out of your mind that just because someone, guy or girl, asks you out means that they want to be in a serious relationship with you tomorrow. I have made my relationships with guys so much stronger by just going on a date with them. There wasn’t anything serious about it. I wasn’t going on the date thinking, “Is this it? Is he the one?”, I went on the date to enjoy their company and to get to know them better. We date for a reason. That reason being that dating is a tool for you to get to know other people and to get to know yourself! You’re never going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, let alone eternity if you don’t know yourself. So let’s make it easier on everyone, guys and girls, and stop jumping the gun. Slow down, and let people know that you are looking for dating opportunities, not solely marriage opportunities.


Okay, let’s break it down now. Dos and Dont’s of asking someone out:


Do:


ASK! Don’t play the pansy card and sit on your hands waiting for them to make the first move. After you have expressed interest take the next step and ask the person out. The worst that could happen is that they say no. If they are rude about it, don’t stress it, obviously they are not the type of person that you would want to spend an entire evening with anyways! Guys, if you find yourself in the situation of dating someone regularly including participating in casual activities together on a frequent basis, don’t take it for granted, continue to call and ask her out! She might call or text you to encourage time together, but don’t start to slack off. She still needs to know that you value the opportunities you have to spend time with her and she needs and wants to feel valued and appreciated.


Plan ahead. While being spontaneous can be great, it’s not that good on a date, especially with someone you don’t know very well. Plan an activity close to where you’re planning on eating, but remember, you don’t have to eat on the date! One of my friends told me that one of the best dates she went on had absolutely NOTHING to do with food! No dinner, no lunch, no dessert. It wasn’t a high stress date, it was relaxed, but it was well thought out in advance. If you are planning on eating check to see how long the wait time usually is and if you can get your name on the list ahead of time. A lot of restaurants will let you call on your way there and put your name down. See what activities there are in the area that you and your date would enjoy. You don’t want to spend the majority of your evening in the car.


Disclose your activity. Once you have planned your activity out and you are actually asking the person to join you, tell them what’s going on. I went on a double date where the other guy didn’t tell his date what we were doing and it didn’t turn out very well! The boys wanted to go ice skating, simple enough, but guess what, the shoes she was wearing didn’t require socks, in fact it looks just plain odd with socks! So there she was, trying to be okay with going ice skating with no socks! Well, we didn’t end up doing that, instead the guys had to come up with something else to do on the spot. As much as you think a person is open to being surprised, we all still need to know a few key things. What time? (So that we can attempt at being ready on time.) Is it an indoor or outdoor activity? (Determines what kind of clothes we’ll wear.) Is it a physical activity or not? (Determines what shoes we’ll wear.) Are we going to eat? (Determines if we’re going to eat before, or if we’ll starve on the date.) You don’t want to take someone out who isn’t prepared for the evening, help us to be prepared! Also, by disclosing the activity a person may decide that they do or don’t want to go out. If you ask someone out to go shooting and they’re scared of guns, they’ll want to know so that they can politely decline the invitation.


Pay attention. When you’re asking the person out, pay attention to what they say in response. If they become nervous trying to come up with an excuse, it’s likely that they either (1) not interested in you that way or (2) they’re not comfortable with the activity. If it’s the second they should make sure to express their interest in going out another time. Listen to their response and watch their facial expression and body language. People can lie in words much easier then they can with their bodies and their eyes. If they do open themselves up for another time, use that to your advantage! Take some time to get to know them before you ask them out again. Try to learn about their schedule and their likes and dislikes. You might even be able to come up with a date that they would enjoy more by listening to them then you would on your own.


Don’t:


Call more than twice without a response. You don’t want to come off as being desperate. I know that this is easier said than done, trust me, I know! You should only have to make contact so many times before they respond to you or initiate the contact. Let’s face it, who doesn’t have 5 minutes to call someone back that they are interested in? Or even to send them a text message? We have so many different avenues to communicate with those around us, we don’t have an excuse for not getting back to people.


Surprise them on the first date. First dates are hard enough without the element of surprise. While you may think that surprising them with the plan of going on a hike sounds like a good way to talk and get to know someone, they might be allergic to some pollen or another and end up suffering from an allergy attack the entire time. Give them all of the facts so that everyone can feel comfortable and relaxed.


Cyber stalk. Sometimes you can learn too much information by using the world wide web that you can’t remember where you learned what. You don’t want to spoil the beginnings of a relationship by already knowing the person’s favorite childhood pet! Yes, you are just curious and trying to get to know a person, but it’s always better to hear it first hand, and it’s a lot less creepyish.


Mince your words. Be sure of what you’re doing when you ask someone out. Don’t meander through the conversation. I always respect a person more when they come across as being sure of what they want. Start the conversation on point and end it on point. “I’d like to take you out this weekend to a movie, I was thinking of The Proposal, what do you think?”… “Great, I’ll call you on Thursday with more information.”