Initial Outings

Chapter 3: First Date

We’ve covered the initial steps to dating and hopefully you’re reading this before you put anything into action. If not, don’t panic, it will all come together. The first date is a very delicate event, but the number one response that I heard from people, male and female, was to not play games, to be straight forward and don’t dance around things. So if you like someone great, don’t hide that. If you’re there just as a friend, make sure that that is expressed before the date in a polite way. You don’t want the other person to get the wrong impression at the beginning!


When you ask someone out most people tend to get nervous on the date and in turn tend to fumble in the conversation, or go blank when they’re trying to come up with a question. Take some time before the date to brain storm appropriate questions for your date. If you’re not sure about a topic or a question, ask one of your friends of the opposite sex for their opinion. Some topics may be okay to discuss with someone that you have gone out with a few times, but there are a lot that are not okay on a first date. One of my roommates went out with a guy shortly after she moved to a new area. She was excited, she thought he was really cute and nice, plus someone asking her out when she was so new to a ward was pleasantly surprising! When she got home after their evening together she couldn’t believe what had just taken place. He acted like he was in a serious relationship with her. He was asking her very personal questions that made her feel uncomfortable. It’s important to take your time when building a relationship with someone. You can’t just blow into someone’s life, have them tell you the things that really define them and then just disappear. It makes people feel like you are rejecting them because of their life and the choices that they have made in their past. So remember, SLOW DOWN!


Let’s discuss some topics that wouldn’t be appropriate. Opening the Ex-Files on a first date is not a good idea. Unless you are divorced, this is not the time to tell me all about your past relationships. I don’t need to know how many serious relationships you have been in or the number of individuals you’ve kissed. I don’t need to hear why your last relationship didn’t work. I don’t want to hear it! If I’m going out with you and there is potential of liking you after the date, telling me why your last relationship ended is not going to give me much hope, plus it doesn’t instill in me a confidence that you aren’t going to be talking about me in a month! When you talk about your ex’s and why things didn’t last it can come across as being the fault of the other person, after all, you’re on a date, you’re trying to make yourself look good. Well, when you do that all it does is scream, “I think that I’m perfect and you’re most likely not going to measure up!”. So why would I even try?


The only reason that I make the exception for divorcees is that this is still a huge part of your daily life. If you intend to take this person out again, they need to know now, and you need to know if they’re going to be okay with that. If they are not okay with that, then you shouldn’t waste your time by taking them on a second date. Just because I’m giving you the go ahead on the first date to open the Ex-File doesn’t mean that you should over divulge. The only part that needs to be out there is that you are divorced. You don’t need to tell the other person about how you met your ex-spouse or how long you dated or how you proposed or were proposed to. Yes, eventually you will have to tell the person that you are dating why the marriage ended, but don’t feel pressured to do it on the first date. If your date is pressuring you to tell them right away, they are likely trying to judge what defect you have, when in fact, you have no defect, you’re just human.


Another no-no topic would be a person’s testimony or lack thereof. One of my friends went on a first date and the guy that she was with turned to her and asked, “So, how and when did you gain your testimony?” Granted, I wasn’t on the date, so I can’t say how accurate that quote is, but you get the idea. It put her in a very awkward position since she hadn’t been active for a number of years and had just recently come back to the gospel. No one wants to feel like they are going to have their spirituality tested and judged on a date. In my experience people that are on the same level spiritually usually drift together. That’s who you’re going to end up with most of the time, someone that is on the same level spiritually as you. So if you’re sitting there thinking, I want a spiritual giant as my eternal companion, well guess what, you better get working!


I asked a few of my girl friends for other off limits topics, they responded with: Recent dates with other people, sex, bodily functions, violence, weight (especially the girl’s weight), and things of a more personal nature. Try to remember on a first date that you are on a FIRST date! If you enjoy your evening then go on a second date, and then a third and so on. You don’t have to decide if this is the person that you want to marry on the first date. The only goal that you should have when leaving your house for your initial date with a person is to have fun and get to know them. Don’t take it too seriously and remember that the other person is nervous too, no matter how confident they come off as being, they are nervous!


Now let’ discuss some good things to bring up on a first date. You’re there trying to get to know the other person without being to personal, so asking questions that are uncommon, but safe, is a good idea. Some of those might be: What made them pick their favorite color, if they could meet any celebrity who would they meet, who is the number 1 (ok, 2 since 1 is usually voicemail) speed dial on their phone. The list could go on and on really. The point of these kinds of questions is to get away from yes and no answers and get to know someone without asking them to bare their soul. You can tell a lot from questions like these. For example, if you ask about their speed dial you might find out who their best friend is and how often they talk to that person. You may also learn if they are close to their family based on their answer. Of course asking uncommon questions is a must, but don’t forget about the ones like: How many kids are in your family, where did you go to school, where did you grow up? These questions build a base for you to put all the other things that you learn about that person on. For example, I come from a large family, 8 kids, so when asked about my speed dial you’ll probably hear about my siblings and my parents and my best friends. You’ll learn that my family is important to me and I like to be in contact with them.


Bottom line: being prepared to talk is a must, but take caution to avoid unsavory subjects.


On to the First Date Activity. We touched on this lightly in the Make It or Break It post, but let’s get a little more detailed here. A first date needs to be light and fun, non serious or threatening. A group date is fantastic, but some of us are a little older and can handle one on one dates for a first date. You may still choose an activity that you would do for a group date, like a scavenger hunt for instance, or going to a park and tossing a frisbee around. Most girls would be happy with something low key and inexpensive. You don’t have to blow their socks off on a first date, save your money and your big plan for someone you’re more serious with. Sometimes when a guy takes a girl on an extravagant first date the girl can get the impression that he’s trying to show off or to prove that he makes enough money (for what, I don’t know). It can quickly become a relationship based on worldly expectations, and really, where do you go from a first date that’s amazing? There’s no room to move up!


Remember to find out what the girl likes prior to planning the date. Maybe she’s the kind of girl that likes to go to sporting events, then find a local team that’s playing that weekend and buy some tickets, but don’t feel pressured to spring for the best seats in the house. She might like doing service, you can volunteer at a shelter in the area serving food, or go on a scavenger hunt for items to make a humanitarian kit together. If the weather is nice doing things outside is always a good idea. Go to a park and fly kits together or do sidewalk chalk drawings! If it’s winter, build a snowman and go sledding, but make sure you have some hot chocolate or apple cider handy. Have you ever been wax paper sliding? Go to the local park, take some wax paper with you and tear off a piece large enough to sit on and go down the slide on it, it’s hilarious! Currently it’s Halloween time, so Haunted Houses here you come!


Tap into your inner child just a little bit and you’ll be amazed at what you can come up with! If you still need a little extra help, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll respond as soon as I can :D

Inspire Me!

I know that most guys sit there and think how crazy girls are, and you know, you’re right, we are crazy! We’re crazy because of you though! We go crazy because we have no idea what’s going on in your head. You’ve been reading this blog and soaking in the knowledge that I have seen fit to share with you and most of you have responded by saying….”what the crap? That’s what that means?!” Well, don’t worry, you’re not alone in the dark, we’re in the dark too! We’re wondering what you’re thinking, what this or that means, how to figure you out! While we’re starting to feel ridiculous for trying to express how interested we are in you, we’re feeling dumber and dumber cause we don’t know if you like us! Basically I’m telling you all of this because as a girl, I, well, WE need you to step up! Are you wondering just how to do that? I’ve tossed out a few ideas for you, but let’s recap and come up with a few more shall we?



Single the girl out – talk to her at events, take the time to seek her out in a crowd.


Make eye contact – making and maintaining eye contact is important! It makes us feel special and like you are really trying to understand us and get to know us.


Initiating contact – being the one to reach out to someone is scary, and even though you always respond, a girl doesn’t want to be the one always reaching out. Initiating contact through text messages, phone calls, emails, even facebook helps a girl to feel valued and sought after AND it shows her that you’re thinking about her, always a bonus :D

Surprises - As much as we say we don't like surprises, we love surprises when they are well thought out. Spontaneous lunch dates, flowers at work, surprise phone calls, a note left of a car...there are endless ways to make us feel sought after.


Physical contact – touching someone doesn’t have to be as intimate as you may think, but we are all human and have been created with an inherit need to have physical contact with other humans. Little things like touching a person’s arm while talking, giving that special person a hug, putting your arm around them, just even sitting close counts! Don’t worry about “making a move” to kiss her, there’s still all that good stuff that happens before, like holding hands and cuddling (which a lot of girls like MORE than kissing…)! Girls notice when you don’t touch them at all for an extended period of time. If you aren’t making the effort to build a physical bond, the girl will start to wonder…


Communication – Putting yourself out there with the fear of being shut down is nerve racking. So much so that it can scare you right out of saying the things on your mind. While I can understand that fear completely, I believe that while we sit back and bite our tongues we let opportunities, and some of life’s best experiences, pass us by. So take a risk and clue her in, we’ll try to do the same.


So while we are all a little crazy, you can help us out by giving us some kind of a heads up if you’re really interested in us so that we don’t have to continue to wonder and analyze, because wondering and analyzing leads to insanity! Keep us sane! :D

Make it or Break it

Chapter 2: The Invitation

This chapter may as well be titled “Make it or Break it Moment”. Asking a person out is one of the most nerve racking things a person will do in their life. To make it worse, if you let on to the individual that you are asking out that you are unsure about yourself or your actions, it’s not likely to go over well.


I had a guy call me up out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea who he was or how he got my number, but I was flattered that he had noticed me and was impressed enough to seek me out. I agreed to meet him at a family home evening activity that next week. He was nice, friendly, attentive, but, a little too attentive. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I became “unavailable”. Too busy to answer the phone or return the call, hurrying out of the room immediately after a meeting, avoiding eye contact and being constantly engaged in conversations with friends. I really did feel awful, but I just didn’t know what to say when he wouldn’t give up. Well it finally came to a head. A meeting that we were both in had just gotten over with and I was heading out the door with one friend on one side and another on the other side, enthralled in our conversation when I heard my name being called out from behind us, and not that quietly either. I turned and he asked if he could talk to me. So I excused myself from my “body guards” and once again let this guy ask me out. I had to think fast. Now I’m one of those girls that has always said I would never lie to someone about dating, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him and I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t come across as rude, so I lied! It ended up okay though; he was married less than six months later!


So the lesson that you could take from this lovely experience: don’t call someone more than twice without getting a return call and if they are “to busy” to do you the courtesy of calling back or even talking to you when you see each other, move on. Don’t waste your time following someone around who may or may not be interested, and remember, trust your instincts!


Whether you know it or not there is etiquette to asking a person out. Here’s an example of what I hear all the time, for the sake of this example, the guy is asking the girl out, as it should be.


James: “Hey Jane, what are you doing tomorrow night?”


Jane: “Well, I’m not really sure.”


James: “You wanna go do something?”


Jane: “Um, well, what did you have in mind?”


James: “I don’t know, I thought that we could just hang out and play halo or something.”


Jane: “Actually, you know what, Susan and I have plans tomorrow night, you know, girl’s night out! But, thanks for the invite.”


How many times have you had a conversation like that? Too many times! When you’re asking a person out first of all, plan ahead. You should be calling your date at least two to three days before the desired date. You should have a plan, an activity already worked out. We’ll discuss date activities in chapter 3. Secondly, you should disclose the activity when inviting the person on a date. Guys, here’s a hint: when a girl says that she doesn’t know what she’s doing that night, that generally means that she does have some plans, but she’ll break them if you’re offering something better because ultimately, spending time with a guy that is interested is better than another girl’s night out. Please don’t put us in the situation where we have to play dumb trying to draw out the plan for the date. When you’re upfront and let the other person know what the plan is they can make an appropriate decision whether to accept your invitation or not. Third, pay attention. Did you notice how Jane didn’t open herself up for another date? By not implying that she’d like the opportunity to present itself again, she’s showing that she’s not really interested. If she had ended it with, “let’s go out another time” or “another night would really work better for me” or anything along those lines, she’s putting herself out there for a rain check.


Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the 12 Apostles said, “…Young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Dating versus Hanging Out,” Ensign, Jun 2006, 10–16) In our culture it is easy to jump from first date to being exclusive to being engaged. When you do that you miss all the good stuff in the middle! Plus, if that is how you are thinking you tend to scare people off. Dating is not an overnight thing, this is not a sprint! You need to be patient and give a relationship time to grow and strengthen before becoming serious. I’m not denying that the Spirit can manifest to you that the person that you are dating is the person you are meant to marry. When you get that confirmation though it doesn’t mean you have to marry them next week! Please get it out of your mind that just because someone, guy or girl, asks you out means that they want to be in a serious relationship with you tomorrow. I have made my relationships with guys so much stronger by just going on a date with them. There wasn’t anything serious about it. I wasn’t going on the date thinking, “Is this it? Is he the one?”, I went on the date to enjoy their company and to get to know them better. We date for a reason. That reason being that dating is a tool for you to get to know other people and to get to know yourself! You’re never going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, let alone eternity if you don’t know yourself. So let’s make it easier on everyone, guys and girls, and stop jumping the gun. Slow down, and let people know that you are looking for dating opportunities, not solely marriage opportunities.


Okay, let’s break it down now. Dos and Dont’s of asking someone out:


Do:


ASK! Don’t play the pansy card and sit on your hands waiting for them to make the first move. After you have expressed interest take the next step and ask the person out. The worst that could happen is that they say no. If they are rude about it, don’t stress it, obviously they are not the type of person that you would want to spend an entire evening with anyways! Guys, if you find yourself in the situation of dating someone regularly including participating in casual activities together on a frequent basis, don’t take it for granted, continue to call and ask her out! She might call or text you to encourage time together, but don’t start to slack off. She still needs to know that you value the opportunities you have to spend time with her and she needs and wants to feel valued and appreciated.


Plan ahead. While being spontaneous can be great, it’s not that good on a date, especially with someone you don’t know very well. Plan an activity close to where you’re planning on eating, but remember, you don’t have to eat on the date! One of my friends told me that one of the best dates she went on had absolutely NOTHING to do with food! No dinner, no lunch, no dessert. It wasn’t a high stress date, it was relaxed, but it was well thought out in advance. If you are planning on eating check to see how long the wait time usually is and if you can get your name on the list ahead of time. A lot of restaurants will let you call on your way there and put your name down. See what activities there are in the area that you and your date would enjoy. You don’t want to spend the majority of your evening in the car.


Disclose your activity. Once you have planned your activity out and you are actually asking the person to join you, tell them what’s going on. I went on a double date where the other guy didn’t tell his date what we were doing and it didn’t turn out very well! The boys wanted to go ice skating, simple enough, but guess what, the shoes she was wearing didn’t require socks, in fact it looks just plain odd with socks! So there she was, trying to be okay with going ice skating with no socks! Well, we didn’t end up doing that, instead the guys had to come up with something else to do on the spot. As much as you think a person is open to being surprised, we all still need to know a few key things. What time? (So that we can attempt at being ready on time.) Is it an indoor or outdoor activity? (Determines what kind of clothes we’ll wear.) Is it a physical activity or not? (Determines what shoes we’ll wear.) Are we going to eat? (Determines if we’re going to eat before, or if we’ll starve on the date.) You don’t want to take someone out who isn’t prepared for the evening, help us to be prepared! Also, by disclosing the activity a person may decide that they do or don’t want to go out. If you ask someone out to go shooting and they’re scared of guns, they’ll want to know so that they can politely decline the invitation.


Pay attention. When you’re asking the person out, pay attention to what they say in response. If they become nervous trying to come up with an excuse, it’s likely that they either (1) not interested in you that way or (2) they’re not comfortable with the activity. If it’s the second they should make sure to express their interest in going out another time. Listen to their response and watch their facial expression and body language. People can lie in words much easier then they can with their bodies and their eyes. If they do open themselves up for another time, use that to your advantage! Take some time to get to know them before you ask them out again. Try to learn about their schedule and their likes and dislikes. You might even be able to come up with a date that they would enjoy more by listening to them then you would on your own.


Don’t:


Call more than twice without a response. You don’t want to come off as being desperate. I know that this is easier said than done, trust me, I know! You should only have to make contact so many times before they respond to you or initiate the contact. Let’s face it, who doesn’t have 5 minutes to call someone back that they are interested in? Or even to send them a text message? We have so many different avenues to communicate with those around us, we don’t have an excuse for not getting back to people.


Surprise them on the first date. First dates are hard enough without the element of surprise. While you may think that surprising them with the plan of going on a hike sounds like a good way to talk and get to know someone, they might be allergic to some pollen or another and end up suffering from an allergy attack the entire time. Give them all of the facts so that everyone can feel comfortable and relaxed.


Cyber stalk. Sometimes you can learn too much information by using the world wide web that you can’t remember where you learned what. You don’t want to spoil the beginnings of a relationship by already knowing the person’s favorite childhood pet! Yes, you are just curious and trying to get to know a person, but it’s always better to hear it first hand, and it’s a lot less creepyish.


Mince your words. Be sure of what you’re doing when you ask someone out. Don’t meander through the conversation. I always respect a person more when they come across as being sure of what they want. Start the conversation on point and end it on point. “I’d like to take you out this weekend to a movie, I was thinking of The Proposal, what do you think?”… “Great, I’ll call you on Thursday with more information.”